mental blocks & frustrations
What do you do when trying isn’t enough? When practice doesn’t make perfect?
Until I reached high school, I never really had to wonder about these questions. I got through physical education classes without embarrassing myself, never enrolled in sports, and didn’t have to think much about my lack of hand-eye coordination.
It wasn’t until the summer before freshman year, tennis camp—and then the reoccurrence throughout the season, then the next girls’ season, and the one after that…—that I realized that trying wasn’t always enough. I mean, before tennis, my simple equation was: continuous practice = success. It worked for me with grades (but then again “not trying” still led to grades anyway).
Man, in hindsight, I don’t know how I enjoyed tennis. I was and am still horrible. Sure, I improved. But my inability to mimic actions and control my body always prevailed. And to add onto it, all the other physical activities I finally was able to pursue in high school were ruined by this…physical inability, this mental block: swimming, riding a bike, martial arts, dancing, driving.
This year, I want to break through this mental block. Not so my brothers will stop tormenting me, not so I feel victorious—but because I really really want to prove to myself that I am able.
That’s what it’s all about, right? Life, setting infinite goals for yourself. Although only one team becomes the ultimate victor, getting anywhere near that takes a plausible amount of dedication and focus.
Because of this new perspective, I have a newfound respect for those who struggle to solve math problems or understand concepts—abilities that I take for granted, daily. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses; although you may be failing physics, at least you’re able to operate a car, right? (Not to de-rank physics or anything, but I think more people use the latter skill in day-to-day life)
Everyone has their talents, and you know… it’s unrealistic to expect yourself to be number one, or even two, at everything.
- Me: Okay so what are you up to? Please don't say studying/reviewing
- Yebon: ...
- Me: ...
- Yebon: Well I walked the dog too
It may take weeks, months, maybe years.. But one day you realize, crying in your bed won’t make you disappear.
real conversation, right now
- Mom: Paul, grandma wants you to get married to the girl. Is that okay?
- My brother: No, mom. It's not okay.
some would not do as much for others as others do for them.
is that not fair?
like a one-sided love affair, or parents to an ungrateful child
cheers to those who love people who don’t reciprocate it,
cheers to those who’d move mountains for the shallowest ponds
the moment you realize you’ll never be the one
Lucas: Look Brooke, I need you to listen to me, ok, I understand that you didn’t know about the kiss, and I’m sorry for springing it on you, but I meant what I said. It didn’t mean anything.
Brooke: A kiss always means something.
Lucas: Ok, well, maybe you’re right. But it wasn’t a romantic moment. And you would know that if..
Brooke: ..if what I was there?! As you so sweetly pointed out, at the party, the party that I threw for you, I wasn’t there, was I??
Lucas: Is it impossible, for you to forgive me?? I forgave you..
Brooke: For what??
Lucas: For sleeping with Chris Keller.
Brooke: And you know what Lucas, I loved you for that. You had such grace in that moment that I fell in love with you all over again. I can’t believe that you would use it now as a bargaining chip.
Lucas: No, I’m not, I’m not, I’m not. I just..I need you to trust me, and believe me when I tell you that my heart is with you. A part of me feels like ever since we got back together, you’ve just been waiting, waiting to push me away.
Brooke: Oh..great, you kiss Peyton, again, and I’m pushing you away! God! Why did I make everybody identical purses as wedding gifts!
Lucas: I love you Brooke, I don’t know how else to say it.
Brooke: How about how you show it?? I am not pushing you away Lucas, I am holding on for dear life! But I need you to need me back! Why wouldn’t you tell me about the kiss and why wouldn’t you call me while you were away and why won’t you ever just let me all the way in? We have to go and give our toasts now. About love.
Lucas: Brooke! Don’t be mad.
Brooke: I’m not mad. I’m not mad.
Today is Monday and I am crying on the bus. I let myself be vulnerable. Let’s hope that never happens again.
Did you know that I have never let anyone be important enough to miss?
